Some days are simply more lonely than others. The difficulties of life can come crashing in on you in a moment and before you even have a chance to pray despair is upon you. My days, weeks, months, and years seem to be marked with this very happening. I wake to a day that is bright with hope. I anticipate all that I will accomplish and look forward to a day of joy and happiness. But before I ever get started, the doorbell rings. It's too early for the delivery man and I'm not expecting anyone; so, this leaves only a few possibilities: a door to door salesman, a Jehovah's Witness, or something is wrong in the family. Of course it's the latter of them all. I listen as someone shares the sad events and I pray. I pray that I will know what to say. I pray that I will be able to stay in control of my emotions. I pray that God will somehow help me because I know that I am of no use to this situation. I know that without God there is no hope for anyone. I pray.
As I listen and try to offer up some degree of advice and comfort, I'm very aware of the fact that there is nothing I can do. I have been here before. The place has a familiar sadness to it. My heart begins to slip into despair. I pray for it not to happen. But it does any way. The words are just noise in my head. I don't really need to hear them because I've heard them before. One of the ones I love dearly is being consumed by sin. But this is not the area that angers me. This is exactly as it should be. One who does not follow God will have this life. The part that consumes me is that the only One who can offer any help remains silent, or so it seems to me.
I know that only God can grant a heart of repentance. I know that only God can save. I know that only God can take a heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh. But where is God?
After the guest leaves and I'm left with much loneliness and despair, I go to my husband. I share with him the words that I gave up as advice and hope. He tells me that I did fine, but my heart is not satisfied. My words are worthless and I know it. My words have accomplished nothing.
I decided to go about my day and leave it to the Lord. But the hours of busyness ahead of me do not free my mind. It's like shouting in my head. No matter what I do to distract myself or to put the memories of that morning out of my head, I cannot. I finally give in and end my day early and head for the comfort of my home and my husband. As I'm driving I decide to stop in on my morning guest. As I drive, I pray. Many verses come to me as a comfort and a hope. I am reminded of the faithfulness of God. I recall the power of His word. I confess my belief and beg for help in my unbelief. I'm feeling sure that God will be a help to me once I arrive. I'm scared and near to tears, but I am hopeful. I ask God to help me to not be afraid. I ask God to help me keep my tears under control. Then, I finally arrive and no one is home.
No one is home? I almost get discouraged at this point, but instead I think truthfully and I go on home and just believe another time will come. As I'm driving, I'm praying. I finally get home and go into Joel's office to let him know I am home. I then make myself something to eat and crawl into the comfort of my bed. Joel never comes. For two hours I sit in my room watching tv and eating my sandwich and he never comes. Despair starts creeping in. I fight it, but it is of no use.
I decide to go back out and try to visit with my guest once more. This seems far more profitable than sitting in a lonely room left to myself to deal with my sorrow and the thoughts that keep attacking me. I do not leave this to chance. I do not assume that the prayers of earlier are sufficient. I once again pray for strength. I once again am afraid.
When I arrive, no one is home. This time I decide to call and find out where everyone is. I had already spoken to them earlier and knew at that time they were home, but where were they now? I was told at that time that I was not welcome and the door would not be opened to me. I instantly became angry. It was as if anger had been crouching at my door just waiting for an opportunity to get in. I was angry and I was hurt. How can someone come into my home and dump a load of pain in my lap and then refuse to hear me out?
I decide to call for help. I call both of my pastors but they do not answer. I pray but it is silent. Once again, I am left alone. God says He will never leave me nor forsake me, but I feel forsaken.
I go back home, crawl into my bed and try to bury my thoughts in a game of freecell. Joel comes in and I share with him the anger I feel towards God. I assume it is God's way of showing me that I am not His and He does not hear me. I feel hopeless and the feelings of despair are overtaking me. I begin to weep. I cannot take this any longer. It seems as though it would be easier to walk away from God and all that the Bible says than to continually be left with myself in a state of despair in silence. Silence from my husband, silence from God.
Before the evening is over, Joel and I are in a disagreement and I am all alone. He tells me my heart is full of hate. Pinned to my bed with his fist in my face, I finally believe him. I believe that I am the problem and that God could never hear me. I have been left to myself. I know the end. Silence. Silence that is so loud that I cannot drown it out.
Why have you abandoned me God? Where is the comfort of Your words? Where is the help that you promise? Where is the husband that you have given me? Why have you taken so much from me and left me in despair. Why?
I am convinced that either my sin is so great and my heart is so resistant to repentance or I am not His. Either way, God help me!
As I listen and try to offer up some degree of advice and comfort, I'm very aware of the fact that there is nothing I can do. I have been here before. The place has a familiar sadness to it. My heart begins to slip into despair. I pray for it not to happen. But it does any way. The words are just noise in my head. I don't really need to hear them because I've heard them before. One of the ones I love dearly is being consumed by sin. But this is not the area that angers me. This is exactly as it should be. One who does not follow God will have this life. The part that consumes me is that the only One who can offer any help remains silent, or so it seems to me.
I know that only God can grant a heart of repentance. I know that only God can save. I know that only God can take a heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh. But where is God?
After the guest leaves and I'm left with much loneliness and despair, I go to my husband. I share with him the words that I gave up as advice and hope. He tells me that I did fine, but my heart is not satisfied. My words are worthless and I know it. My words have accomplished nothing.
I decided to go about my day and leave it to the Lord. But the hours of busyness ahead of me do not free my mind. It's like shouting in my head. No matter what I do to distract myself or to put the memories of that morning out of my head, I cannot. I finally give in and end my day early and head for the comfort of my home and my husband. As I'm driving I decide to stop in on my morning guest. As I drive, I pray. Many verses come to me as a comfort and a hope. I am reminded of the faithfulness of God. I recall the power of His word. I confess my belief and beg for help in my unbelief. I'm feeling sure that God will be a help to me once I arrive. I'm scared and near to tears, but I am hopeful. I ask God to help me to not be afraid. I ask God to help me keep my tears under control. Then, I finally arrive and no one is home.
No one is home? I almost get discouraged at this point, but instead I think truthfully and I go on home and just believe another time will come. As I'm driving, I'm praying. I finally get home and go into Joel's office to let him know I am home. I then make myself something to eat and crawl into the comfort of my bed. Joel never comes. For two hours I sit in my room watching tv and eating my sandwich and he never comes. Despair starts creeping in. I fight it, but it is of no use.
I decide to go back out and try to visit with my guest once more. This seems far more profitable than sitting in a lonely room left to myself to deal with my sorrow and the thoughts that keep attacking me. I do not leave this to chance. I do not assume that the prayers of earlier are sufficient. I once again pray for strength. I once again am afraid.
When I arrive, no one is home. This time I decide to call and find out where everyone is. I had already spoken to them earlier and knew at that time they were home, but where were they now? I was told at that time that I was not welcome and the door would not be opened to me. I instantly became angry. It was as if anger had been crouching at my door just waiting for an opportunity to get in. I was angry and I was hurt. How can someone come into my home and dump a load of pain in my lap and then refuse to hear me out?
I decide to call for help. I call both of my pastors but they do not answer. I pray but it is silent. Once again, I am left alone. God says He will never leave me nor forsake me, but I feel forsaken.
I go back home, crawl into my bed and try to bury my thoughts in a game of freecell. Joel comes in and I share with him the anger I feel towards God. I assume it is God's way of showing me that I am not His and He does not hear me. I feel hopeless and the feelings of despair are overtaking me. I begin to weep. I cannot take this any longer. It seems as though it would be easier to walk away from God and all that the Bible says than to continually be left with myself in a state of despair in silence. Silence from my husband, silence from God.
Before the evening is over, Joel and I are in a disagreement and I am all alone. He tells me my heart is full of hate. Pinned to my bed with his fist in my face, I finally believe him. I believe that I am the problem and that God could never hear me. I have been left to myself. I know the end. Silence. Silence that is so loud that I cannot drown it out.
Why have you abandoned me God? Where is the comfort of Your words? Where is the help that you promise? Where is the husband that you have given me? Why have you taken so much from me and left me in despair. Why?
I am convinced that either my sin is so great and my heart is so resistant to repentance or I am not His. Either way, God help me!
