The Silence is So Loud

Some days are simply more lonely than others. The difficulties of life can come crashing in on you in a moment and before you even have a chance to pray despair is upon you. My days, weeks, months, and years seem to be marked with this very happening. I wake to a day that is bright with hope. I anticipate all that I will accomplish and look forward to a day of joy and happiness. But before I ever get started, the doorbell rings. It's too early for the delivery man and I'm not expecting anyone; so, this leaves only a few possibilities: a door to door salesman, a Jehovah's Witness, or something is wrong in the family. Of course it's the latter of them all. I listen as someone shares the sad events and I pray. I pray that I will know what to say. I pray that I will be able to stay in control of my emotions. I pray that God will somehow help me because I know that I am of no use to this situation. I know that without God there is no hope for anyone. I pray.

As I listen and try to offer up some degree of advice and comfort, I'm very aware of the fact that there is nothing I can do. I have been here before. The place has a familiar sadness to it. My heart begins to slip into despair. I pray for it not to happen. But it does any way. The words are just noise in my head. I don't really need to hear them because I've heard them before. One of the ones I love dearly is being consumed by sin. But this is not the area that angers me. This is exactly as it should be. One who does not follow God will have this life. The part that consumes me is that the only One who can offer any help remains silent, or so it seems to me.

I know that only God can grant a heart of repentance. I know that only God can save. I know that only God can take a heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh. But where is God?

After the guest leaves and I'm left with much loneliness and despair, I go to my husband. I share with him the words that I gave up as advice and hope. He tells me that I did fine, but my heart is not satisfied. My words are worthless and I know it. My words have accomplished nothing.

I decided to go about my day and leave it to the Lord. But the hours of busyness ahead of me do not free my mind. It's like shouting in my head. No matter what I do to distract myself or to put the memories of that morning out of my head, I cannot. I finally give in and end my day early and head for the comfort of my home and my husband. As I'm driving I decide to stop in on my morning guest. As I drive, I pray. Many verses come to me as a comfort and a hope. I am reminded of the faithfulness of God. I recall the power of His word. I confess my belief and beg for help in my unbelief. I'm feeling sure that God will be a help to me once I arrive. I'm scared and near to tears, but I am hopeful. I ask God to help me to not be afraid. I ask God to help me keep my tears under control. Then, I finally arrive and no one is home.

No one is home? I almost get discouraged at this point, but instead I think truthfully and I go on home and just believe another time will come. As I'm driving, I'm praying. I finally get home and go into Joel's office to let him know I am home. I then make myself something to eat and crawl into the comfort of my bed. Joel never comes. For two hours I sit in my room watching tv and eating my sandwich and he never comes. Despair starts creeping in. I fight it, but it is of no use.

I decide to go back out and try to visit with my guest once more. This seems far more profitable than sitting in a lonely room left to myself to deal with my sorrow and the thoughts that keep attacking me. I do not leave this to chance. I do not assume that the prayers of earlier are sufficient. I once again pray for strength. I once again am afraid.

When I arrive, no one is home. This time I decide to call and find out where everyone is. I had already spoken to them earlier and knew at that time they were home, but where were they now? I was told at that time that I was not welcome and the door would not be opened to me. I instantly became angry. It was as if anger had been crouching at my door just waiting for an opportunity to get in. I was angry and I was hurt. How can someone come into my home and dump a load of pain in my lap and then refuse to hear me out?

I decide to call for help. I call both of my pastors but they do not answer. I pray but it is silent. Once again, I am left alone. God says He will never leave me nor forsake me, but I feel forsaken.

I go back home, crawl into my bed and try to bury my thoughts in a game of freecell. Joel comes in and I share with him the anger I feel towards God. I assume it is God's way of showing me that I am not His and He does not hear me. I feel hopeless and the feelings of despair are overtaking me. I begin to weep. I cannot take this any longer. It seems as though it would be easier to walk away from God and all that the Bible says than to continually be left with myself in a state of despair in silence. Silence from my husband, silence from God.

Before the evening is over, Joel and I are in a disagreement and I am all alone.  He tells me my heart is full of hate.  Pinned to my bed with his fist in my face, I finally believe him.  I believe that I am the problem and that God could never hear me.  I have been left to myself. I know the end. Silence. Silence that is so loud that I cannot drown it out.

Why have you abandoned me God? Where is the comfort of Your words? Where is the help that you promise? Where is the husband that you have given me? Why have you taken so much from me and left me in despair. Why?

I am convinced that either my sin is so great and my heart is so resistant to repentance or I am not His. Either way, God help me!

Here I Am Once Again

Just about the time you start getting your hopes up that maybe you've finally, somehow, overcome that anger that you feel deep down inside, it shows up again. It doesn't take much. Just the slightest injustice seems to feel as though you have somehow been trampled underfoot as though your worth is zero. In your head you know that you have no right to feel as though you are deserving of anything, but your deceitful and wicked heart starts working immediately at deceiving you into thinking that someone out there somewhere appreciates you and even loves you. The thoughts start flying. You remember all the times that you have been put aside for something much less. You've been left to yourself and pushed away for a tv show, time on the computer, or even sleep. How can any one person tear any other person down so low? How can how someone feels about you be so devastating? What does it really matter? You know that you did not intentionally do anything wrong. You simply asked a question. But somehow, because the person didn't want to admit his true answer or even a weakness, it came back on you! Will it always be my fault? Will I always be to blame for all the hardship? Will God ever let me hear, "I'm so sorry!"

It's a small thing when I think rightly about it. I was a far greater enemy of God and trampled His Son underfoot with much more hate. God, please forgive me for not loving You the way that I should. Forgive me for not desiring to walk with you day after day and minute by minute. Forgive me for causing Your Son to suffer for my sins. Help me to understand that my sin causes more suffering than just with me.

A Long Time Companion Has Left Me

As I went about my day today, I realized it had been a while since my long time companion had paid me a visit. It's odd that it took me a few weeks to realize that he had even been gone. It's kind of like a toothache. You can't stop thinking about it when it does hurt; but, the minute it's gone, you don't think about it at all. Now your wondering how I can possibly compare my companion to a toothache. The truth of the matter is, this companion was far worse than any toothache I had ever had. This companion followed me around for years. I would beg him to leave, but he would not. I would pray that God would take him away from me, but God chose to leave him instead. I finally came to the point where I was convinced that he would be with me for the rest of my life. This companion was like a rottenness in my body. He made me miserable. He interfered with every other relationship that I had, especially my relationship with God. After a long day of dealing with him over and over and over again, I would not be in the mood to be with anyone else, let alone God. But a good friend of mine recently told me that this companion had to go. I knew it was true. You would think that I would just say goodbye and be on my way since he was such a terrible presence. But actually, I had gotten so used to him that he had become like an old teddy bear. You just don't know if you can survive without him. But today I noticed that he was not with me. It took me awhile to realize it, but once I did, it was good. This companion will not be missed.

Will It Ever Stop Hurting?

Sometimes a hurt comes along that is much greater than any you have ever felt before. A hurt that penetrates deep into your heart and stays there. You know that God wants you to not be encumbered by this event in your life. He wants you to depend on Him and rise above it. It is His joy to bring you to a place of forgiveness. But forgiveness is something that does not come easily and definitely does not come in my own strength. It is something I must rely on God for. His forgiveness must flow through me. I look at how much I have grieved God, how much I have sinned against Him. I think of all the times that I have shamed the Holy Spirit, how many times I have gone my own way. But God has forgiven me. He has forgiven me a much greater debt than the one that I need to forgive. I suppose that forgiveness doesn't mean that it will stop hurting. It doesn't mean that I will forget. It simply means that I will not act upon that hurt in an ungodly way. That I will treat the offender as though he has not offended. I will grant mercy as mercy has been granted to me. This is what I desire. This is what my heart knows to be right. But I find myself doing the very thing that I hate. I find myself allowing that hurt to rule over me. God, I pray that you will teach me how to forgive. Teach me how to do all that You would have me to do.

The Battle Continues

Here I am. Here I am in another battle. It's just shy of 5am and my mind is shouting at me. You would think that once one has given into the much needed sleep after the end of a weary day that the mind would sleep as well. But my mind is more like a two year old. You know what I'm talking about. The unruly two year old who is exhausted from the day but fights and kicks against giving in to rest. The body slumbers as the mind reels untruths at me. In the beginning I'm unaware of its attempts to make me angry, to remind me of all life's miseries, but eventually it is heard. As it gets louder and louder, the thoughts begin to intertwine into whatever dreams I'm having. Next thing you know I'm tossing and turning, not really aware what is going on, still living in the dream and not coming into the knowledge that I'm really awake and this is not a dream, it is my mind. Then all at once, it has finally fully awakened me. I pray! I ask God to please help me with the thoughts that are trying to discourage me. These thoughts that want to destroy my walk with God. I begin to think right things. I think of the truths that God has taught me. I remind myself that God's mercies are renewed each morning and it is morning. I remind myself that if I draw near to God, He will draw near to me. I tell myself that my circumstances are not what they seem. They are really God's loving hand in my life molding me, changing me, creating in me a new creation. They are God causing the old man to die. I cry out for peace. I beg God to stop the thoughts that continue to pelt me until finally I am worn down. Next thing I know, my thoughts are out of control. I am no longer thinking rightly, I'm no longer thinking of the things that God has proven to me. I'm no longer remembering that I am not a slave to sin, but a slave of righteousness. Then it happens. I'm serving the wrong master. I've lost the battle. I've become angry. Not because I've lost the battle, but angry at God because He allows this battle. It seems as though the only thing I've accomplished is adding yet another sin to a very long list of sins. God have mercy on me. I am weary. My soul needs rest. Forgive me!!

Forgetting Biblical Truth

One of the most challenging aspects of being a Christian is renewing the mind daily so that it does not forget that which is true. As a result, I am often, more often than not, an angry person. On a good day, it is easy for me to see God's hand in my life. I can see that He is working good from the circumstances that I either find myself in or put myself in. But the flesh does not give in easily. It battles for my mind. The old self does not want to die, it wants to live and it wants to live out loud. On a bad day, I can't see truth at all. My mind will tell me the most deceiving of things. Ex: "How could you possibly be saved, you have so much anger inside of you?" "Why would God save you?" "Just give up, you will never win this battle," and the list goes on. The problem with letting the mind rule over you is that its purpose is to take you to a place of despair and great sin. Reality is that God did save me. He saved me out of this sinful state and brought me into righteousness. Reality also is that my flesh will war against the spirit from this day forward until I'm with Jesus. It is good to know that my sin does not control, change, manipulate, or cause God to do anything other than that which He had already purposed to do. And one thing that God has purposed and promised to do is to "work all things to the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose." I am one of those who has been called, I'm a lover of God. Therefore, when my mind begins to forget the truth, I can be assured that God will intervene on my behalf. He will be faithful to me as His child. He will admonish me when I'm in sin, and He will encourage me when I'm in despair. "For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

The Journey of Many Places

From the very beginning, just three days after the birth of my first son, I saw to it that he was in church. I know he was not able to hear or to understand, but I wanted it to be familiar to him. I wanted him to realize there was never a time when he was not attending church. I did this with each of my four boys. As the years went by, it was a rare thing for any of us to miss a Sunday sermon or even a mid-week time of fellowship. Of course, as young boys, they loved going for all the fun reasons. They met their friends there. They enjoyed camps, "capture the flag", and numerous other activities that cater to the social life of the young.

When it came time to go to school, my husband was set on home schooling. This decision was not made so that they would achieve academic excellence but so that they would not be exposed to the evils of this world until able to handle it with the truth of God's word.
As the years moved on and life came our way, a sobering reality began to make itself known to me. None of these things would guarantee the salvation of my sons. It would not make them lovers of God.

Family & the Gospel

Tonight I found myself in familiar territory. I found myself among family, church family. It amazes me how this family can encourage, exhort, and edify without even knowing they are doing so. As I mingled throughout the night and engaged in numerous conversations, I noticed that each one took me to a place that I needed to go, to the gospel. Daily I must remind myself of certain truths. I must remind myself that I am a sinner and that left to myself I am without hope. But God, willingly and lovingly gave His Son, Jesus, on my behalf so that I might be saved from this hopeless and damned state. I must also remember that there is nothing in me that is deserving of this love nor is there anything in me that would choose this love for myself. I was perfectly content to live and endulge in this fallen condition. But God would have none of that, for He had chosen me. Before the foundation of the world, God determined that I would be His and as a result He has given me the Spirit of God. Now I can walk in newness of life. I can have hope where there is none and I can have peace with God. Thank you God!! Thank you Jesus!!

Why Am I So Discouraged?

I thought today would be a new day. I thought that finally I had been heard and understood. But as the day went on I began to realize I was still in the same place I was yesterday. Will this never end? "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" (Ps 42:5) I cannot remain in this place. I must finish reading.... "Put your hope in God!"

Just Being Real

Sometimes as a Christian I feel pressured to be outwardly okay when inwardly I'm beaten down. My journey as a Christian has been one that has been nothing short of difficult. Coming from an extremely legalistic background, I have found it hard to let go of some of the white-washed tomb external actions that are a false reflection of what is truly going on internally. Daily I struggle with the assurance of my salvation. I believe I do so because I know who I am. I know the thoughts that go through my mind. I know how difficult it is to hold those thoughts captive day after day, hour after hour, and minute after minute. How did I get here?  Deception!  A man portrayed himself as a lover of God.  He spoke words of Truth.  He convinced me he followed that truth.  But it was a lie.  I have found myself with a man who is full of selfishness and hate.  He has taken what was good in my life and has tried to destroy it.  Daily I'm reminded of my worthlessness and the worthlessness of my boys.  Daily I'm reminded of my obligation to serve him day and night.  Daily I'm reminded of my idolatry for my sons.  Daily I'm reminded of how unworthy I am of the Kingdom.  There are some days where all I do is try to keep my mind thinking rightly only to find myself defeated at the end of the day finally convinced that what I'm being told is true. Then I fall asleep wondering what is to become of me?