The Enemies That Surround Us

This was originally written in 2009.  When I was searching for the blog somehow I hit update and it changed the date on this article. 

This blog has been about my struggle with depression, but today I write about a sorrow far deeper. Today I write about betrayal.

Every time we meet someone we make a decision. We decide whether or not we are going to give them a part of us. For some we will only share the weather. For others, our soul. When you share your soul you become bonded like wallpaper. Everyone knows when you try to separate the wallpaper from the wall, that the wallpaper is shredded and the wall is destroyed and in need of much repair.

These deep relationships are much more common within the church. But they are also more likely to destroy you. This is to our shame. Twice now I have built my life around the church of God that I love. Many have said, "I love you" one day to turn around the next day to never speak to me again. This has caused my heart to bleed. It has caused me sorrow upon sorrow.  Many who claim to care and get close to me, once they discover the darkness in my marriage, the abuse and hate they simply walk away.  The church does not know what to do with a sociopath.  My abuse is so deep and so painful... death seems my only alternative.

Just Breathe

This was originally in 2009 as well. 

Despair and loneliness were once a daily foe. Then they were gone. As time marched on, I began to forget I once knew them. But no more. They are once again a familiar presence. I wake with them and I lie down with them at the end of the day. I try to ignore them and pretend I do not see them, but it's to no avail. My joy is gone. My days are filled with sorrow and pain. I want to sleep.

False Witnesses and the Hiding Place

Loneliness and Despair, I have not missed you. I hardly even noticed you were gone. Why have you come back? Why must you take over my mind like this? What is the purpose of your presence? For these answers I must look to God. I must believe this is for my good. I must believe this is not in vain. I must believe this will play a role in transforming me into the image of His Son. But I don't believe. My unbelief has taken over. My mind and body want to run. I am weary. The rest from you does not seem long enough. It was not ample time to build up my strength. I have sank low in a matter of days. My adversaries and my foes are within me, not without. The false witnesses are my thoughts.

BUT,

"In the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;

In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.

Teach me Your way, O LORD
And lead me in a level path because of my foes.

Do not deliver me over to the desires of my adversaries,
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and such as breathe out violence.

I would have despaired unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage."

Not Again!

I find myself in a dark place. A place where I must wrestle with the Word of God in order to be free. It takes a great deal of work. My head swarms with words and phrases, with verses and songs. Days go on and on, never ending. I look for any sign of light, even just the smallest flicker. Once I see it, I run towards it. It doesn't take long for me to get excited about the light and the hope that it offers. BUT then, out of nowhere, my legs are kicked out from under me. I feel as though I will someday soon, just quit.

I Would Have Despaired...

"Surely I believed
I would have despaired
unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and let your heart take courage;
yes, wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:13-14

Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. The wise writer of this proverb had certainly experienced the pain of longing for something that forever seemed out of his reach. He must have intimately known the pain of hard work towards a goal that is never actualized. Dreaming of one day knowing the joy of experiencing what you hope for and then finally able to leave the deep disappointment of that intense longing behind you. The writer’s hope seemed fragile. One day his determination seemed all encompassing and the next day it seemed to flicker like an ember in a fire long gone out. It is in those times that the heart feels sick--weak—unworthy—depressed.

This is my heart today. I have finally arrived at the day where I must finally leave the deep disappointment behind me. Hope has been deferred over and over and over. Today I choose to let that desire slip out of my heart and onto the floor where it probably belongs. Today, I stop dreaming.

“Fits of depression come over the most of us.

Cheerful as we may be, we must at intervals be cast down.
The strong are not always vigorous,
the wise not always ready,
the brave not always courageous,
and the joyous not always happy."
Charles H. Spurgeon