Not Again!

I find myself in a dark place. A place where I must wrestle with the Word of God in order to be free. It takes a great deal of work. My head swarms with words and phrases, with verses and songs. Days go on and on, never ending. I look for any sign of light, even just the smallest flicker. Once I see it, I run towards it. It doesn't take long for me to get excited about the light and the hope that it offers. BUT then, out of nowhere, my legs are kicked out from under me. I feel as though I will someday soon, just quit.

I Would Have Despaired...

"Surely I believed
I would have despaired
unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and let your heart take courage;
yes, wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:13-14

Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. The wise writer of this proverb had certainly experienced the pain of longing for something that forever seemed out of his reach. He must have intimately known the pain of hard work towards a goal that is never actualized. Dreaming of one day knowing the joy of experiencing what you hope for and then finally able to leave the deep disappointment of that intense longing behind you. The writer’s hope seemed fragile. One day his determination seemed all encompassing and the next day it seemed to flicker like an ember in a fire long gone out. It is in those times that the heart feels sick--weak—unworthy—depressed.

This is my heart today. I have finally arrived at the day where I must finally leave the deep disappointment behind me. Hope has been deferred over and over and over. Today I choose to let that desire slip out of my heart and onto the floor where it probably belongs. Today, I stop dreaming.

“Fits of depression come over the most of us.

Cheerful as we may be, we must at intervals be cast down.
The strong are not always vigorous,
the wise not always ready,
the brave not always courageous,
and the joyous not always happy."
Charles H. Spurgeon

Sadness - Deep and Dark

There is this place within me. A place that I don't like to visit. It comes from nowhere, stays as long as it wants, and takes over. Sadness.

So many good intentioned people tell me to "think good thoughts" or to "focus on what is good," etc. etc. etc. But the sadness rises up and engulfs me.

As I sit here at my computer, with tears running down my face, I find myself alone. So alone. I tell myself that I'm not alone. I tell myself that God will never leave me nor forsake me. But the loneliness remains.

Each night I determine that I will rise the next day and be more productive. That I will not let this darkness rule over me. That I will step out of the dark and into the light. I turn to the things that I know I should...the word, prayer... But it is of no avail. I cannot find my way through the dark. So instead, I curl up in my bed and I let the darkness take over and engulf me until I fall into a deep sleep. This sleep is wonderful. It takes me away for awhile. My thoughts are silenced, my despair is hushed, my loneliness has become mute. Sleep, the rescuer of the one so sad. Sleep, the one thing that takes you away from yourself.

God, I cannot live this way. I beg you to help me. I know your grace is sufficient, but my flesh is weak. Help me! Save me from this place.

Do I Live Alone????

When in fellowship with my precious brothers and sisters in Christ, I often wonder if I live alone. Not alone in the since that there is no one around. Obviously, there are people all about. I wonder if I live alone in a battle to know God. They talk of their love of God. They talk of their love of His word. They talk as though they are drawn to it, anticipate it.
For me, it is a battle. My days are full of tedious task and mundane chores. Things that I do not look forward to, and would desperately love to be pulled a way from. BUT those things will still pull me away from pursuing God's word. It is a discipline for me. It is a daily decision and battle to go to the word of God. It wears me down.
One would think by the things they hear from others, that once you finally conquer the will and settle down into the words of God, the battle would be over. But not so for me. It has only just begun. As I read the words of Life and try as I may to meditate on them, there is a constant tugging at the mind. It wanders here and wanders there. I seem to be in constant prayer begging God to help me. After some time of wrestling and feeling as though it will never end, I give up. This may seem likes hours; but when I look at the time, it has only been minutes.
Once I give in, the despair crashes upon me. Will I ever love God with all my heart? Will I ever long for Him and Him alone? Will He ever be all I need? Will my flesh ever die?
This has been a long and exhausting battle for me. Then I read the words of A.W. Pink: "He who is really honest with himself and has had his eyes opened in some degree to see the awful sinfulness of self, and who is becoming more and more acquainted with that sink of iniquity, that mass of corruption which still indwells him, often feels that sin more completely rules him now than ever it did before. When he longs to trust God with all his heart, unbelief seems to paralyze him. When he wishes to be completely surrendered to God’s blessed will, murmurings and rebellion surge within him. When he would spend an hour in meditating on the things of God, evil imaginations harass him. When he desires to be more humble, pride seeks to fill him. When he would pray, his mind wanders. The more he fights against these sins, the further off victory seems to be. To him it appears that sin is very much the master of him, and Satan tells him that his profession is vain."
That is me. I am not alone. Others have warred as I. Others feel as though their faith is in vain. This desire to long for God, this desire to meet with Him daily and to know Him does not come from nowhere. I realize that this battle was not present in me before. If His Spirit were not within me, I would not war against the flesh. As I derive comfort from the fact that others have battled as I have, I remember God is with me. He has not forsaken me. Because of Him, I will persevere.

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us,
let us also lay aside every encumbrance
and the sin which so easily entangles us,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
fixing our eyes on Jesus,
the author and perfecter of faith,
who for the joy set before Him endured the cross,
despising the shame,
and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. "
Hebrews 12:1-2

"Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak
and the knees that are feeble,
and make straight paths for your feet,
so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint,
but rather be healed."
Hebrews 12:12-13

When Talking to Others...

There is nothing more sobering than speaking of Christ to others. As I stand there and try to give words of life that will rescue from the tortures of hell and escort them into eternal life, I become confused, afraid, angry. As the accusations pour forth from the mouth of ones so young, I am desperate for them. Question after question. Mockery after mockery. It is a sad and solemn thing to watch. But I remember...
I remember thinking they way they think. I remember trying so desperately to hang on to what is familiar to me and run from that which will condemn me. But as hard as they try, they know. They know within themselves that the words of God are true. They know the words of God are right. They know the words of God give life. But the wickedness of their hearts pulls desperately at them. It deceives them. It will not let them go.
In order to keep them from the words of life, the heart begins to throw out the most bizarre and insignificant. The heart doesn't want to know the way to God. The rabbit trails are flying forth. They are over here, then over there. I cannot keep them in one place long enough to adequately answer the question. Then I realize they do not want the answer.

I pause. I pray. Then I remind them that one day they will stand before a just God and give an account for the mockery that is pouring forth from their mouths on this day. I remind them there will be no place to hide. I remind them they will tremble.

A Day of Rest

If you have been a follower of this blog, you know I spend a great deal of time in despair and at war. It seems as though the battle between the Spirit and the flesh is never-ending. Some days it is quieter than others, but most days it SHOUTS! There has been very little rest for my soul.

To know my own thoughts and intentions is devastating. It tears me down and brings me to a place of loneliness. It makes the possible seem impossible. It steals the truth of God's word from me. It makes me blind. And when it is done with me, I will be like Christian in "Pilgrim's Progress" falling into the Slough of Despond sinking further under the weight of my sins and sense of guilt. I have visited this place often. It is a place where I feel abandoned. The mire is so thick I do not and cannot pull myself from it. I need to be rescued. I need a Savior.

This is a day like most days. Those around me can't see it because the wickedness is deep within. It's in the heart and mind. When I seek out help, others are confused by the intensity of the battle I describe because they see my life from the outside, not the inside. This too makes me feel alone. So I wait.

I wait on God to show me my sin. I wait on the Lord to grant me repentance. I've come to realize that God is not mocked. He has left me in a really dark place, even when I cry out for deliverance, because He knows I do not really want to leave. He knows I am trying to live with one foot in the world. He knows the idolatry that dwells within me. He knows.

He has always known. My heart and the idolatry that is buried deep within has never been hidden from Him. An idol that began years ago, but had been fed and nourished by me for so long, had now grown into a huge obstacle blinding me from the truth. It was consuming me and I wasn't even aware of its presence. Like a parasite. It was living inside of me, taking all the nourishment from me, and slowly killing me. Quietly killing me. But God...

But God graciously gave me sight. He has made my idol known to me. He has given me the strength and wisdom to be able to identify it, think rightly about it, repent of it, and to kill it. I have taken my foot out of the world. I have decided to live wholly for Christ.

I realize that this does not mean I will never have to kill this idol again. I realize this idol will probably show up tomorrow. But, now I know its name. Now I recognize it. It has been made known to me and I have agreed with God. Today I rejoice in the fact that God has turned my mourning into joy. He has taken something ugly within me and made it beautiful for His glory. He has given purpose to suffering and sadness. Today He has given me rest.