A Day of Rest

If you have been a follower of this blog, you know I spend a great deal of time in despair and at war. It seems as though the battle between the Spirit and the flesh is never-ending. Some days it is quieter than others, but most days it SHOUTS! There has been very little rest for my soul.

To know my own thoughts and intentions is devastating. It tears me down and brings me to a place of loneliness. It makes the possible seem impossible. It steals the truth of God's word from me. It makes me blind. And when it is done with me, I will be like Christian in "Pilgrim's Progress" falling into the Slough of Despond sinking further under the weight of my sins and sense of guilt. I have visited this place often. It is a place where I feel abandoned. The mire is so thick I do not and cannot pull myself from it. I need to be rescued. I need a Savior.

This is a day like most days. Those around me can't see it because the wickedness is deep within. It's in the heart and mind. When I seek out help, others are confused by the intensity of the battle I describe because they see my life from the outside, not the inside. This too makes me feel alone. So I wait.

I wait on God to show me my sin. I wait on the Lord to grant me repentance. I've come to realize that God is not mocked. He has left me in a really dark place, even when I cry out for deliverance, because He knows I do not really want to leave. He knows I am trying to live with one foot in the world. He knows the idolatry that dwells within me. He knows.

He has always known. My heart and the idolatry that is buried deep within has never been hidden from Him. An idol that began years ago, but had been fed and nourished by me for so long, had now grown into a huge obstacle blinding me from the truth. It was consuming me and I wasn't even aware of its presence. Like a parasite. It was living inside of me, taking all the nourishment from me, and slowly killing me. Quietly killing me. But God...

But God graciously gave me sight. He has made my idol known to me. He has given me the strength and wisdom to be able to identify it, think rightly about it, repent of it, and to kill it. I have taken my foot out of the world. I have decided to live wholly for Christ.

I realize that this does not mean I will never have to kill this idol again. I realize this idol will probably show up tomorrow. But, now I know its name. Now I recognize it. It has been made known to me and I have agreed with God. Today I rejoice in the fact that God has turned my mourning into joy. He has taken something ugly within me and made it beautiful for His glory. He has given purpose to suffering and sadness. Today He has given me rest.