The Battle Continues

Here I am. Here I am in another battle. It's just shy of 5am and my mind is shouting at me. You would think that once one has given into the much needed sleep after the end of a weary day that the mind would sleep as well. But my mind is more like a two year old. You know what I'm talking about. The unruly two year old who is exhausted from the day but fights and kicks against giving in to rest. The body slumbers as the mind reels untruths at me. In the beginning I'm unaware of its attempts to make me angry, to remind me of all life's miseries, but eventually it is heard. As it gets louder and louder, the thoughts begin to intertwine into whatever dreams I'm having. Next thing you know I'm tossing and turning, not really aware what is going on, still living in the dream and not coming into the knowledge that I'm really awake and this is not a dream, it is my mind. Then all at once, it has finally fully awakened me. I pray! I ask God to please help me with the thoughts that are trying to discourage me. These thoughts that want to destroy my walk with God. I begin to think right things. I think of the truths that God has taught me. I remind myself that God's mercies are renewed each morning and it is morning. I remind myself that if I draw near to God, He will draw near to me. I tell myself that my circumstances are not what they seem. They are really God's loving hand in my life molding me, changing me, creating in me a new creation. They are God causing the old man to die. I cry out for peace. I beg God to stop the thoughts that continue to pelt me until finally I am worn down. Next thing I know, my thoughts are out of control. I am no longer thinking rightly, I'm no longer thinking of the things that God has proven to me. I'm no longer remembering that I am not a slave to sin, but a slave of righteousness. Then it happens. I'm serving the wrong master. I've lost the battle. I've become angry. Not because I've lost the battle, but angry at God because He allows this battle. It seems as though the only thing I've accomplished is adding yet another sin to a very long list of sins. God have mercy on me. I am weary. My soul needs rest. Forgive me!!