Sometimes as a Christian I feel pressured to be outwardly okay when inwardly I'm beaten down. My journey as a Christian has been one that has been nothing short of difficult. Coming from an extremely legalistic background, I have found it hard to let go of some of the white-washed tomb external actions that are a false reflection of what is truly going on internally. Daily I struggle with the assurance of my salvation. I believe I do so because I know who I am. I know the thoughts that go through my mind. I know how difficult it is to hold those thoughts captive day after day, hour after hour, and minute after minute. How did I get here? Deception! A man portrayed himself as a lover of God. He spoke words of Truth. He convinced me he followed that truth. But it was a lie. I have found myself with a man who is full of selfishness and hate. He has taken what was good in my life and has tried to destroy it. Daily I'm reminded of my worthlessness and the worthlessness of my boys. Daily I'm reminded of my obligation to serve him day and night. Daily I'm reminded of my idolatry for my sons. Daily I'm reminded of how unworthy I am of the Kingdom. There are some days where all I do is try to keep my mind thinking rightly only to find myself defeated at the end of the day finally convinced that what I'm being told is true. Then I fall asleep wondering what is to become of me?
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