There is this place within me. A place that I don't like to visit. It comes from nowhere, stays as long as it wants, and takes over. Sadness.
So many good intentioned people tell me to "think good thoughts" or to "focus on what is good," etc. etc. etc. But the sadness rises up and engulfs me.
As I sit here at my computer, with tears running down my face, I find myself alone. So alone. I tell myself that I'm not alone. I tell myself that God will never leave me nor forsake me. But the loneliness remains.
Each night I determine that I will rise the next day and be more productive. That I will not let this darkness rule over me. That I will step out of the dark and into the light. I turn to the things that I know I should...the word, prayer... But it is of no avail. I cannot find my way through the dark. So instead, I curl up in my bed and I let the darkness take over and engulf me until I fall into a deep sleep. This sleep is wonderful. It takes me away for awhile. My thoughts are silenced, my despair is hushed, my loneliness has become mute. Sleep, the rescuer of the one so sad. Sleep, the one thing that takes you away from yourself.
God, I cannot live this way. I beg you to help me. I know your grace is sufficient, but my flesh is weak. Help me! Save me from this place.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Do I Live Alone????
When in fellowship with my precious brothers and sisters in Christ, I often wonder if I live alone. Not alone in the since that there is no one around. Obviously, there are people all about. I wonder if I live alone in a battle to know God. They talk of their love of God. They talk of their love of His word. They talk as though they are drawn to it, anticipate it.
For me, it is a battle. My days are full of tedious task and mundane chores. Things that I do not look forward to, and would desperately love to be pulled a way from. BUT those things will still pull me away from pursuing God's word. It is a discipline for me. It is a daily decision and battle to go to the word of God. It wears me down.
One would think by the things they hear from others, that once you finally conquer the will and settle down into the words of God, the battle would be over. But not so for me. It has only just begun. As I read the words of Life and try as I may to meditate on them, there is a constant tugging at the mind. It wanders here and wanders there. I seem to be in constant prayer begging God to help me. After some time of wrestling and feeling as though it will never end, I give up. This may seem likes hours; but when I look at the time, it has only been minutes.
Once I give in, the despair crashes upon me. Will I ever love God with all my heart? Will I ever long for Him and Him alone? Will He ever be all I need? Will my flesh ever die?
This has been a long and exhausting battle for me. Then I read the words of A.W. Pink: "He who is really honest with himself and has had his eyes opened in some degree to see the awful sinfulness of self, and who is becoming more and more acquainted with that sink of iniquity, that mass of corruption which still indwells him, often feels that sin more completely rules him now than ever it did before. When he longs to trust God with all his heart, unbelief seems to paralyze him. When he wishes to be completely surrendered to God’s blessed will, murmurings and rebellion surge within him. When he would spend an hour in meditating on the things of God, evil imaginations harass him. When he desires to be more humble, pride seeks to fill him. When he would pray, his mind wanders. The more he fights against these sins, the further off victory seems to be. To him it appears that sin is very much the master of him, and Satan tells him that his profession is vain."
That is me. I am not alone. Others have warred as I. Others feel as though their faith is in vain. This desire to long for God, this desire to meet with Him daily and to know Him does not come from nowhere. I realize that this battle was not present in me before. If His Spirit were not within me, I would not war against the flesh. As I derive comfort from the fact that others have battled as I have, I remember God is with me. He has not forsaken me. Because of Him, I will persevere.
For me, it is a battle. My days are full of tedious task and mundane chores. Things that I do not look forward to, and would desperately love to be pulled a way from. BUT those things will still pull me away from pursuing God's word. It is a discipline for me. It is a daily decision and battle to go to the word of God. It wears me down.
One would think by the things they hear from others, that once you finally conquer the will and settle down into the words of God, the battle would be over. But not so for me. It has only just begun. As I read the words of Life and try as I may to meditate on them, there is a constant tugging at the mind. It wanders here and wanders there. I seem to be in constant prayer begging God to help me. After some time of wrestling and feeling as though it will never end, I give up. This may seem likes hours; but when I look at the time, it has only been minutes.
Once I give in, the despair crashes upon me. Will I ever love God with all my heart? Will I ever long for Him and Him alone? Will He ever be all I need? Will my flesh ever die?
This has been a long and exhausting battle for me. Then I read the words of A.W. Pink: "He who is really honest with himself and has had his eyes opened in some degree to see the awful sinfulness of self, and who is becoming more and more acquainted with that sink of iniquity, that mass of corruption which still indwells him, often feels that sin more completely rules him now than ever it did before. When he longs to trust God with all his heart, unbelief seems to paralyze him. When he wishes to be completely surrendered to God’s blessed will, murmurings and rebellion surge within him. When he would spend an hour in meditating on the things of God, evil imaginations harass him. When he desires to be more humble, pride seeks to fill him. When he would pray, his mind wanders. The more he fights against these sins, the further off victory seems to be. To him it appears that sin is very much the master of him, and Satan tells him that his profession is vain."
That is me. I am not alone. Others have warred as I. Others feel as though their faith is in vain. This desire to long for God, this desire to meet with Him daily and to know Him does not come from nowhere. I realize that this battle was not present in me before. If His Spirit were not within me, I would not war against the flesh. As I derive comfort from the fact that others have battled as I have, I remember God is with me. He has not forsaken me. Because of Him, I will persevere.
"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us,
let us also lay aside every encumbrance
and the sin which so easily entangles us,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
fixing our eyes on Jesus,
the author and perfecter of faith,
who for the joy set before Him endured the cross,
despising the shame,
and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. "
Hebrews 12:1-2
let us also lay aside every encumbrance
and the sin which so easily entangles us,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
fixing our eyes on Jesus,
the author and perfecter of faith,
who for the joy set before Him endured the cross,
despising the shame,
and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. "
Hebrews 12:1-2
"Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak
and the knees that are feeble,
and make straight paths for your feet,
so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint,
but rather be healed."
Hebrews 12:12-13
and the knees that are feeble,
and make straight paths for your feet,
so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint,
but rather be healed."
Hebrews 12:12-13
When Talking to Others...
There is nothing more sobering than speaking of Christ to others. As I stand there and try to give words of life that will rescue from the tortures of hell and escort them into eternal life, I become confused, afraid, angry. As the accusations pour forth from the mouth of ones so young, I am desperate for them. Question after question. Mockery after mockery. It is a sad and solemn thing to watch. But I remember...
I remember thinking they way they think. I remember trying so desperately to hang on to what is familiar to me and run from that which will condemn me. But as hard as they try, they know. They know within themselves that the words of God are true. They know the words of God are right. They know the words of God give life. But the wickedness of their hearts pulls desperately at them. It deceives them. It will not let them go.
In order to keep them from the words of life, the heart begins to throw out the most bizarre and insignificant. The heart doesn't want to know the way to God. The rabbit trails are flying forth. They are over here, then over there. I cannot keep them in one place long enough to adequately answer the question. Then I realize they do not want the answer.
I pause. I pray. Then I remind them that one day they will stand before a just God and give an account for the mockery that is pouring forth from their mouths on this day. I remind them there will be no place to hide. I remind them they will tremble.
I remember thinking they way they think. I remember trying so desperately to hang on to what is familiar to me and run from that which will condemn me. But as hard as they try, they know. They know within themselves that the words of God are true. They know the words of God are right. They know the words of God give life. But the wickedness of their hearts pulls desperately at them. It deceives them. It will not let them go.
In order to keep them from the words of life, the heart begins to throw out the most bizarre and insignificant. The heart doesn't want to know the way to God. The rabbit trails are flying forth. They are over here, then over there. I cannot keep them in one place long enough to adequately answer the question. Then I realize they do not want the answer.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A Day of Rest
If you have been a follower of this blog, you know I spend a great deal of time in despair and at war. It seems as though the battle between the Spirit and the flesh is never-ending. Some days it is quieter than others, but most days it SHOUTS! There has been very little rest for my soul.
To know my own thoughts and intentions is devastating. It tears me down and brings me to a place of loneliness. It makes the possible seem impossible. It steals the truth of God's word from me. It makes me blind. And when it is done with me, I will be like Christian in "Pilgrim's Progress" falling into the Slough of Despond sinking further under the weight of my sins and sense of guilt. I have visited this place often. It is a place where I feel abandoned. The mire is so thick I do not and cannot pull myself from it. I need to be rescued. I need a Savior.
This is a day like most days. Those around me can't see it because the wickedness is deep within. It's in the heart and mind. When I seek out help, others are confused by the intensity of the battle I describe because they see my life from the outside, not the inside. This too makes me feel alone. So I wait.
I wait on God to show me my sin. I wait on the Lord to grant me repentance. I've come to realize that God is not mocked. He has left me in a really dark place, even when I cry out for deliverance, because He knows I do not really want to leave. He knows I am trying to live with one foot in the world. He knows the idolatry that dwells within me. He knows.
He has always known. My heart and the idolatry that is buried deep within has never been hidden from Him. An idol that began years ago, but had been fed and nourished by me for so long, had now grown into a huge obstacle blinding me from the truth. It was consuming me and I wasn't even aware of its presence. Like a parasite. It was living inside of me, taking all the nourishment from me, and slowly killing me. Quietly killing me. But God...
But God graciously gave me sight. He has made my idol known to me. He has given me the strength and wisdom to be able to identify it, think rightly about it, repent of it, and to kill it. I have taken my foot out of the world. I have decided to live wholly for Christ.
I realize that this does not mean I will never have to kill this idol again. I realize this idol will probably show up tomorrow. But, now I know its name. Now I recognize it. It has been made known to me and I have agreed with God. Today I rejoice in the fact that God has turned my mourning into joy. He has taken something ugly within me and made it beautiful for His glory. He has given purpose to suffering and sadness. Today He has given me rest.
To know my own thoughts and intentions is devastating. It tears me down and brings me to a place of loneliness. It makes the possible seem impossible. It steals the truth of God's word from me. It makes me blind. And when it is done with me, I will be like Christian in "Pilgrim's Progress" falling into the Slough of Despond sinking further under the weight of my sins and sense of guilt. I have visited this place often. It is a place where I feel abandoned. The mire is so thick I do not and cannot pull myself from it. I need to be rescued. I need a Savior.
This is a day like most days. Those around me can't see it because the wickedness is deep within. It's in the heart and mind. When I seek out help, others are confused by the intensity of the battle I describe because they see my life from the outside, not the inside. This too makes me feel alone. So I wait.
I wait on God to show me my sin. I wait on the Lord to grant me repentance. I've come to realize that God is not mocked. He has left me in a really dark place, even when I cry out for deliverance, because He knows I do not really want to leave. He knows I am trying to live with one foot in the world. He knows the idolatry that dwells within me. He knows.
He has always known. My heart and the idolatry that is buried deep within has never been hidden from Him. An idol that began years ago, but had been fed and nourished by me for so long, had now grown into a huge obstacle blinding me from the truth. It was consuming me and I wasn't even aware of its presence. Like a parasite. It was living inside of me, taking all the nourishment from me, and slowly killing me. Quietly killing me. But God...
But God graciously gave me sight. He has made my idol known to me. He has given me the strength and wisdom to be able to identify it, think rightly about it, repent of it, and to kill it. I have taken my foot out of the world. I have decided to live wholly for Christ.
I realize that this does not mean I will never have to kill this idol again. I realize this idol will probably show up tomorrow. But, now I know its name. Now I recognize it. It has been made known to me and I have agreed with God. Today I rejoice in the fact that God has turned my mourning into joy. He has taken something ugly within me and made it beautiful for His glory. He has given purpose to suffering and sadness. Today He has given me rest.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The Silence is So Loud
Some days are simply more lonely than others. The difficulties of life can come crashing in on you in a moment and before you even have a chance to pray despair is upon you. My days, weeks, months, and years seem to be marked with this very happening. I wake to a day that is bright with hope. I anticipate all that I will accomplish and look forward to a day of joy and happiness. But before I ever get started, the doorbell rings. It's too early for the delivery man and I'm not expecting anyone; so, this leaves only a few possibilities: a door to door salesman, a Jehovah's Witness, or something is wrong in the family. Of course it's the latter of them all. I listen as someone shares the sad events and I pray. I pray that I will know what to say. I pray that I will be able to stay in control of my emotions. I pray that God will somehow help me because I know that I am of no use to this situation. I know that without God there is no hope for anyone. I pray.
As I listen and try to offer up some degree of advice and comfort, I'm very aware of the fact that there is nothing I can do. I have been here before. The place has a familiar sadness to it. My heart begins to slip into despair. I pray for it not to happen. But it does any way. The words are just noise in my head. I don't really need to hear them because I've heard them before. One of the ones I love dearly is being consumed by sin. But this is not the area that angers me. This is exactly as it should be. One who does not follow God will have this life. The part that consumes me is that the only One who can offer any help remains silent, or so it seems to me.
I know that only God can grant a heart of repentance. I know that only God can save. I know that only God can take a heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh. But where is God?
After the guest leaves and I'm left with much loneliness and despair, I go to my husband. I share with him the words that I gave up as advice and hope. He tells me that I did fine, but my heart is not satisfied. My words are worthless and I know it. My words have accomplished nothing.
I decided to go about my day and leave it to the Lord. But the hours of busyness ahead of me do not free my mind. It's like shouting in my head. No matter what I do to distract myself or to put the memories of that morning out of my head, I cannot. I finally give in and end my day early and head for the comfort of my home and my husband. As I'm driving I decide to stop in on my morning guest. As I drive, I pray. Many verses come to me as a comfort and a hope. I am reminded of the faithfulness of God. I recall the power of His word. I confess my belief and beg for help in my unbelief. I'm feeling sure that God will be a help to me once I arrive. I'm scared and near to tears, but I am hopeful. I ask God to help me to not be afraid. I ask God to help me keep my tears under control. Then, I finally arrive and no one is home.
No one is home? I almost get discouraged at this point, but instead I think truthfully and I go on home and just believe another time will come. As I'm driving, I'm praying. I finally get home and go into Joel's office to let him know I am home. I then make myself something to eat and crawl into the comfort of my bed. Joel never comes. For two hours I sit in my room watching tv and eating my sandwich and he never comes. Despair starts creeping in. I fight it, but it is of no use.
I decide to go back out and try to visit with my guest once more. This seems far more profitable than sitting in a lonely room left to myself to deal with my sorrow and the thoughts that keep attacking me. I do not leave this to chance. I do not assume that the prayers of earlier are sufficient. I once again pray for strength. I once again am afraid.
When I arrive, no one is home. This time I decide to call and find out where everyone is. I had already spoken to them earlier and knew at that time they were home, but where were they now? I was told at that time that I was not welcome and the door would not be opened to me. I instantly became angry. It was as if anger had been crouching at my door just waiting for an opportunity to get in. I was angry and I was hurt. How can someone come into my home and dump a load of pain in my lap and then refuse to hear me out?
I decide to call for help. I call both of my pastors but they do not answer. I pray but it is silent. Once again, I am left alone. God says He will never leave me nor forsake me, but I feel forsaken.
I go back home, crawl into my bed and try to bury my thoughts in a game of freecell. Joel comes in and I share with him the anger I feel towards God. I assume it is God's way of showing me that I am not His and He does not hear me. I feel hopeless and the feelings of despair are overtaking me. I begin to weep. I cannot take this any longer. It seems as though it would be easier to walk away from God and all that the Bible says than to continually be left with myself in a state of despair in silence. Silence from my husband, silence from God.
Before the evening is over, Joel and I are in a disagreement and I am all alone. He tells me my heart is full of hate. Pinned to my bed with his fist in my face, I finally believe him. I believe that I am the problem and that God could never hear me. I have been left to myself. I know the end. Silence. Silence that is so loud that I cannot drown it out.
Why have you abandoned me God? Where is the comfort of Your words? Where is the help that you promise? Where is the husband that you have given me? Why have you taken so much from me and left me in despair. Why?
I am convinced that either my sin is so great and my heart is so resistant to repentance or I am not His. Either way, God help me!
As I listen and try to offer up some degree of advice and comfort, I'm very aware of the fact that there is nothing I can do. I have been here before. The place has a familiar sadness to it. My heart begins to slip into despair. I pray for it not to happen. But it does any way. The words are just noise in my head. I don't really need to hear them because I've heard them before. One of the ones I love dearly is being consumed by sin. But this is not the area that angers me. This is exactly as it should be. One who does not follow God will have this life. The part that consumes me is that the only One who can offer any help remains silent, or so it seems to me.
I know that only God can grant a heart of repentance. I know that only God can save. I know that only God can take a heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh. But where is God?
After the guest leaves and I'm left with much loneliness and despair, I go to my husband. I share with him the words that I gave up as advice and hope. He tells me that I did fine, but my heart is not satisfied. My words are worthless and I know it. My words have accomplished nothing.
I decided to go about my day and leave it to the Lord. But the hours of busyness ahead of me do not free my mind. It's like shouting in my head. No matter what I do to distract myself or to put the memories of that morning out of my head, I cannot. I finally give in and end my day early and head for the comfort of my home and my husband. As I'm driving I decide to stop in on my morning guest. As I drive, I pray. Many verses come to me as a comfort and a hope. I am reminded of the faithfulness of God. I recall the power of His word. I confess my belief and beg for help in my unbelief. I'm feeling sure that God will be a help to me once I arrive. I'm scared and near to tears, but I am hopeful. I ask God to help me to not be afraid. I ask God to help me keep my tears under control. Then, I finally arrive and no one is home.
No one is home? I almost get discouraged at this point, but instead I think truthfully and I go on home and just believe another time will come. As I'm driving, I'm praying. I finally get home and go into Joel's office to let him know I am home. I then make myself something to eat and crawl into the comfort of my bed. Joel never comes. For two hours I sit in my room watching tv and eating my sandwich and he never comes. Despair starts creeping in. I fight it, but it is of no use.
I decide to go back out and try to visit with my guest once more. This seems far more profitable than sitting in a lonely room left to myself to deal with my sorrow and the thoughts that keep attacking me. I do not leave this to chance. I do not assume that the prayers of earlier are sufficient. I once again pray for strength. I once again am afraid.
When I arrive, no one is home. This time I decide to call and find out where everyone is. I had already spoken to them earlier and knew at that time they were home, but where were they now? I was told at that time that I was not welcome and the door would not be opened to me. I instantly became angry. It was as if anger had been crouching at my door just waiting for an opportunity to get in. I was angry and I was hurt. How can someone come into my home and dump a load of pain in my lap and then refuse to hear me out?
I decide to call for help. I call both of my pastors but they do not answer. I pray but it is silent. Once again, I am left alone. God says He will never leave me nor forsake me, but I feel forsaken.
I go back home, crawl into my bed and try to bury my thoughts in a game of freecell. Joel comes in and I share with him the anger I feel towards God. I assume it is God's way of showing me that I am not His and He does not hear me. I feel hopeless and the feelings of despair are overtaking me. I begin to weep. I cannot take this any longer. It seems as though it would be easier to walk away from God and all that the Bible says than to continually be left with myself in a state of despair in silence. Silence from my husband, silence from God.
Before the evening is over, Joel and I are in a disagreement and I am all alone. He tells me my heart is full of hate. Pinned to my bed with his fist in my face, I finally believe him. I believe that I am the problem and that God could never hear me. I have been left to myself. I know the end. Silence. Silence that is so loud that I cannot drown it out.
Why have you abandoned me God? Where is the comfort of Your words? Where is the help that you promise? Where is the husband that you have given me? Why have you taken so much from me and left me in despair. Why?
I am convinced that either my sin is so great and my heart is so resistant to repentance or I am not His. Either way, God help me!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Here I Am Once Again
Just about the time you start getting your hopes up that maybe you've finally, somehow, overcome that anger that you feel deep down inside, it shows up again. It doesn't take much. Just the slightest injustice seems to feel as though you have somehow been trampled underfoot as though your worth is zero. In your head you know that you have no right to feel as though you are deserving of anything, but your deceitful and wicked heart starts working immediately at deceiving you into thinking that someone out there somewhere appreciates you and even loves you. The thoughts start flying. You remember all the times that you have been put aside for something much less. You've been left to yourself and pushed away for a tv show, time on the computer, or even sleep. How can any one person tear any other person down so low? How can how someone feels about you be so devastating? What does it really matter? You know that you did not intentionally do anything wrong. You simply asked a question. But somehow, because the person didn't want to admit his true answer or even a weakness, it came back on you! Will it always be my fault? Will I always be to blame for all the hardship? Will God ever let me hear, "I'm so sorry!"
It's a small thing when I think rightly about it. I was a far greater enemy of God and trampled His Son underfoot with much more hate. God, please forgive me for not loving You the way that I should. Forgive me for not desiring to walk with you day after day and minute by minute. Forgive me for causing Your Son to suffer for my sins. Help me to understand that my sin causes more suffering than just with me.
It's a small thing when I think rightly about it. I was a far greater enemy of God and trampled His Son underfoot with much more hate. God, please forgive me for not loving You the way that I should. Forgive me for not desiring to walk with you day after day and minute by minute. Forgive me for causing Your Son to suffer for my sins. Help me to understand that my sin causes more suffering than just with me.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
A Long Time Companion Has Left Me
As I went about my day today, I realized it had been a while since my long time companion had paid me a visit. It's odd that it took me a few weeks to realize that he had even been gone. It's kind of like a toothache. You can't stop thinking about it when it does hurt; but, the minute it's gone, you don't think about it at all. Now your wondering how I can possibly compare my companion to a toothache. The truth of the matter is, this companion was far worse than any toothache I had ever had. This companion followed me around for years. I would beg him to leave, but he would not. I would pray that God would take him away from me, but God chose to leave him instead. I finally came to the point where I was convinced that he would be with me for the rest of my life. This companion was like a rottenness in my body. He made me miserable. He interfered with every other relationship that I had, especially my relationship with God. After a long day of dealing with him over and over and over again, I would not be in the mood to be with anyone else, let alone God. But a good friend of mine recently told me that this companion had to go. I knew it was true. You would think that I would just say goodbye and be on my way since he was such a terrible presence. But actually, I had gotten so used to him that he had become like an old teddy bear. You just don't know if you can survive without him. But today I noticed that he was not with me. It took me awhile to realize it, but once I did, it was good. This companion will not be missed.
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