Will It Ever Stop Hurting?

Sometimes a hurt comes along that is much greater than any you have ever felt before. A hurt that penetrates deep into your heart and stays there. You know that God wants you to not be encumbered by this event in your life. He wants you to depend on Him and rise above it. It is His joy to bring you to a place of forgiveness. But forgiveness is something that does not come easily and definitely does not come in my own strength. It is something I must rely on God for. His forgiveness must flow through me. I look at how much I have grieved God, how much I have sinned against Him. I think of all the times that I have shamed the Holy Spirit, how many times I have gone my own way. But God has forgiven me. He has forgiven me a much greater debt than the one that I need to forgive. I suppose that forgiveness doesn't mean that it will stop hurting. It doesn't mean that I will forget. It simply means that I will not act upon that hurt in an ungodly way. That I will treat the offender as though he has not offended. I will grant mercy as mercy has been granted to me. This is what I desire. This is what my heart knows to be right. But I find myself doing the very thing that I hate. I find myself allowing that hurt to rule over me. God, I pray that you will teach me how to forgive. Teach me how to do all that You would have me to do.

The Battle Continues

Here I am. Here I am in another battle. It's just shy of 5am and my mind is shouting at me. You would think that once one has given into the much needed sleep after the end of a weary day that the mind would sleep as well. But my mind is more like a two year old. You know what I'm talking about. The unruly two year old who is exhausted from the day but fights and kicks against giving in to rest. The body slumbers as the mind reels untruths at me. In the beginning I'm unaware of its attempts to make me angry, to remind me of all life's miseries, but eventually it is heard. As it gets louder and louder, the thoughts begin to intertwine into whatever dreams I'm having. Next thing you know I'm tossing and turning, not really aware what is going on, still living in the dream and not coming into the knowledge that I'm really awake and this is not a dream, it is my mind. Then all at once, it has finally fully awakened me. I pray! I ask God to please help me with the thoughts that are trying to discourage me. These thoughts that want to destroy my walk with God. I begin to think right things. I think of the truths that God has taught me. I remind myself that God's mercies are renewed each morning and it is morning. I remind myself that if I draw near to God, He will draw near to me. I tell myself that my circumstances are not what they seem. They are really God's loving hand in my life molding me, changing me, creating in me a new creation. They are God causing the old man to die. I cry out for peace. I beg God to stop the thoughts that continue to pelt me until finally I am worn down. Next thing I know, my thoughts are out of control. I am no longer thinking rightly, I'm no longer thinking of the things that God has proven to me. I'm no longer remembering that I am not a slave to sin, but a slave of righteousness. Then it happens. I'm serving the wrong master. I've lost the battle. I've become angry. Not because I've lost the battle, but angry at God because He allows this battle. It seems as though the only thing I've accomplished is adding yet another sin to a very long list of sins. God have mercy on me. I am weary. My soul needs rest. Forgive me!!

Forgetting Biblical Truth

One of the most challenging aspects of being a Christian is renewing the mind daily so that it does not forget that which is true. As a result, I am often, more often than not, an angry person. On a good day, it is easy for me to see God's hand in my life. I can see that He is working good from the circumstances that I either find myself in or put myself in. But the flesh does not give in easily. It battles for my mind. The old self does not want to die, it wants to live and it wants to live out loud. On a bad day, I can't see truth at all. My mind will tell me the most deceiving of things. Ex: "How could you possibly be saved, you have so much anger inside of you?" "Why would God save you?" "Just give up, you will never win this battle," and the list goes on. The problem with letting the mind rule over you is that its purpose is to take you to a place of despair and great sin. Reality is that God did save me. He saved me out of this sinful state and brought me into righteousness. Reality also is that my flesh will war against the spirit from this day forward until I'm with Jesus. It is good to know that my sin does not control, change, manipulate, or cause God to do anything other than that which He had already purposed to do. And one thing that God has purposed and promised to do is to "work all things to the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose." I am one of those who has been called, I'm a lover of God. Therefore, when my mind begins to forget the truth, I can be assured that God will intervene on my behalf. He will be faithful to me as His child. He will admonish me when I'm in sin, and He will encourage me when I'm in despair. "For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

The Journey of Many Places

From the very beginning, just three days after the birth of my first son, I saw to it that he was in church. I know he was not able to hear or to understand, but I wanted it to be familiar to him. I wanted him to realize there was never a time when he was not attending church. I did this with each of my four boys. As the years went by, it was a rare thing for any of us to miss a Sunday sermon or even a mid-week time of fellowship. Of course, as young boys, they loved going for all the fun reasons. They met their friends there. They enjoyed camps, "capture the flag", and numerous other activities that cater to the social life of the young.

When it came time to go to school, my husband was set on home schooling. This decision was not made so that they would achieve academic excellence but so that they would not be exposed to the evils of this world until able to handle it with the truth of God's word.
As the years moved on and life came our way, a sobering reality began to make itself known to me. None of these things would guarantee the salvation of my sons. It would not make them lovers of God.

Family & the Gospel

Tonight I found myself in familiar territory. I found myself among family, church family. It amazes me how this family can encourage, exhort, and edify without even knowing they are doing so. As I mingled throughout the night and engaged in numerous conversations, I noticed that each one took me to a place that I needed to go, to the gospel. Daily I must remind myself of certain truths. I must remind myself that I am a sinner and that left to myself I am without hope. But God, willingly and lovingly gave His Son, Jesus, on my behalf so that I might be saved from this hopeless and damned state. I must also remember that there is nothing in me that is deserving of this love nor is there anything in me that would choose this love for myself. I was perfectly content to live and endulge in this fallen condition. But God would have none of that, for He had chosen me. Before the foundation of the world, God determined that I would be His and as a result He has given me the Spirit of God. Now I can walk in newness of life. I can have hope where there is none and I can have peace with God. Thank you God!! Thank you Jesus!!

Why Am I So Discouraged?

I thought today would be a new day. I thought that finally I had been heard and understood. But as the day went on I began to realize I was still in the same place I was yesterday. Will this never end? "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" (Ps 42:5) I cannot remain in this place. I must finish reading.... "Put your hope in God!"

Just Being Real

Sometimes as a Christian I feel pressured to be outwardly okay when inwardly I'm beaten down. My journey as a Christian has been one that has been nothing short of difficult. Coming from an extremely legalistic background, I have found it hard to let go of some of the white-washed tomb external actions that are a false reflection of what is truly going on internally. Daily I struggle with the assurance of my salvation. I believe I do so because I know who I am. I know the thoughts that go through my mind. I know how difficult it is to hold those thoughts captive day after day, hour after hour, and minute after minute. How did I get here?  Deception!  A man portrayed himself as a lover of God.  He spoke words of Truth.  He convinced me he followed that truth.  But it was a lie.  I have found myself with a man who is full of selfishness and hate.  He has taken what was good in my life and has tried to destroy it.  Daily I'm reminded of my worthlessness and the worthlessness of my boys.  Daily I'm reminded of my obligation to serve him day and night.  Daily I'm reminded of my idolatry for my sons.  Daily I'm reminded of how unworthy I am of the Kingdom.  There are some days where all I do is try to keep my mind thinking rightly only to find myself defeated at the end of the day finally convinced that what I'm being told is true. Then I fall asleep wondering what is to become of me?