The Enemies That Surround Us

This was originally written in 2009.  When I was searching for the blog somehow I hit update and it changed the date on this article. 

This blog has been about my struggle with depression, but today I write about a sorrow far deeper. Today I write about betrayal.

Every time we meet someone we make a decision. We decide whether or not we are going to give them a part of us. For some we will only share the weather. For others, our soul. When you share your soul you become bonded like wallpaper. Everyone knows when you try to separate the wallpaper from the wall, that the wallpaper is shredded and the wall is destroyed and in need of much repair.

These deep relationships are much more common within the church. But they are also more likely to destroy you. This is to our shame. Twice now I have built my life around the church of God that I love. Many have said, "I love you" one day to turn around the next day to never speak to me again. This has caused my heart to bleed. It has caused me sorrow upon sorrow.  Many who claim to care and get close to me, once they discover the darkness in my marriage, the abuse and hate they simply walk away.  The church does not know what to do with a sociopath.  My abuse is so deep and so painful... death seems my only alternative.

Just Breathe

This was originally in 2009 as well. 

Despair and loneliness were once a daily foe. Then they were gone. As time marched on, I began to forget I once knew them. But no more. They are once again a familiar presence. I wake with them and I lie down with them at the end of the day. I try to ignore them and pretend I do not see them, but it's to no avail. My joy is gone. My days are filled with sorrow and pain. I want to sleep.

False Witnesses and the Hiding Place

Loneliness and Despair, I have not missed you. I hardly even noticed you were gone. Why have you come back? Why must you take over my mind like this? What is the purpose of your presence? For these answers I must look to God. I must believe this is for my good. I must believe this is not in vain. I must believe this will play a role in transforming me into the image of His Son. But I don't believe. My unbelief has taken over. My mind and body want to run. I am weary. The rest from you does not seem long enough. It was not ample time to build up my strength. I have sank low in a matter of days. My adversaries and my foes are within me, not without. The false witnesses are my thoughts.

BUT,

"In the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;

In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.

Teach me Your way, O LORD
And lead me in a level path because of my foes.

Do not deliver me over to the desires of my adversaries,
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and such as breathe out violence.

I would have despaired unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage."

Not Again!

I find myself in a dark place. A place where I must wrestle with the Word of God in order to be free. It takes a great deal of work. My head swarms with words and phrases, with verses and songs. Days go on and on, never ending. I look for any sign of light, even just the smallest flicker. Once I see it, I run towards it. It doesn't take long for me to get excited about the light and the hope that it offers. BUT then, out of nowhere, my legs are kicked out from under me. I feel as though I will someday soon, just quit.

I Would Have Despaired...

"Surely I believed
I would have despaired
unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and let your heart take courage;
yes, wait for the LORD."
Psalm 27:13-14

Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. The wise writer of this proverb had certainly experienced the pain of longing for something that forever seemed out of his reach. He must have intimately known the pain of hard work towards a goal that is never actualized. Dreaming of one day knowing the joy of experiencing what you hope for and then finally able to leave the deep disappointment of that intense longing behind you. The writer’s hope seemed fragile. One day his determination seemed all encompassing and the next day it seemed to flicker like an ember in a fire long gone out. It is in those times that the heart feels sick--weak—unworthy—depressed.

This is my heart today. I have finally arrived at the day where I must finally leave the deep disappointment behind me. Hope has been deferred over and over and over. Today I choose to let that desire slip out of my heart and onto the floor where it probably belongs. Today, I stop dreaming.

“Fits of depression come over the most of us.

Cheerful as we may be, we must at intervals be cast down.
The strong are not always vigorous,
the wise not always ready,
the brave not always courageous,
and the joyous not always happy."
Charles H. Spurgeon

Sadness - Deep and Dark

There is this place within me. A place that I don't like to visit. It comes from nowhere, stays as long as it wants, and takes over. Sadness.

So many good intentioned people tell me to "think good thoughts" or to "focus on what is good," etc. etc. etc. But the sadness rises up and engulfs me.

As I sit here at my computer, with tears running down my face, I find myself alone. So alone. I tell myself that I'm not alone. I tell myself that God will never leave me nor forsake me. But the loneliness remains.

Each night I determine that I will rise the next day and be more productive. That I will not let this darkness rule over me. That I will step out of the dark and into the light. I turn to the things that I know I should...the word, prayer... But it is of no avail. I cannot find my way through the dark. So instead, I curl up in my bed and I let the darkness take over and engulf me until I fall into a deep sleep. This sleep is wonderful. It takes me away for awhile. My thoughts are silenced, my despair is hushed, my loneliness has become mute. Sleep, the rescuer of the one so sad. Sleep, the one thing that takes you away from yourself.

God, I cannot live this way. I beg you to help me. I know your grace is sufficient, but my flesh is weak. Help me! Save me from this place.

Do I Live Alone????

When in fellowship with my precious brothers and sisters in Christ, I often wonder if I live alone. Not alone in the since that there is no one around. Obviously, there are people all about. I wonder if I live alone in a battle to know God. They talk of their love of God. They talk of their love of His word. They talk as though they are drawn to it, anticipate it.
For me, it is a battle. My days are full of tedious task and mundane chores. Things that I do not look forward to, and would desperately love to be pulled a way from. BUT those things will still pull me away from pursuing God's word. It is a discipline for me. It is a daily decision and battle to go to the word of God. It wears me down.
One would think by the things they hear from others, that once you finally conquer the will and settle down into the words of God, the battle would be over. But not so for me. It has only just begun. As I read the words of Life and try as I may to meditate on them, there is a constant tugging at the mind. It wanders here and wanders there. I seem to be in constant prayer begging God to help me. After some time of wrestling and feeling as though it will never end, I give up. This may seem likes hours; but when I look at the time, it has only been minutes.
Once I give in, the despair crashes upon me. Will I ever love God with all my heart? Will I ever long for Him and Him alone? Will He ever be all I need? Will my flesh ever die?
This has been a long and exhausting battle for me. Then I read the words of A.W. Pink: "He who is really honest with himself and has had his eyes opened in some degree to see the awful sinfulness of self, and who is becoming more and more acquainted with that sink of iniquity, that mass of corruption which still indwells him, often feels that sin more completely rules him now than ever it did before. When he longs to trust God with all his heart, unbelief seems to paralyze him. When he wishes to be completely surrendered to God’s blessed will, murmurings and rebellion surge within him. When he would spend an hour in meditating on the things of God, evil imaginations harass him. When he desires to be more humble, pride seeks to fill him. When he would pray, his mind wanders. The more he fights against these sins, the further off victory seems to be. To him it appears that sin is very much the master of him, and Satan tells him that his profession is vain."
That is me. I am not alone. Others have warred as I. Others feel as though their faith is in vain. This desire to long for God, this desire to meet with Him daily and to know Him does not come from nowhere. I realize that this battle was not present in me before. If His Spirit were not within me, I would not war against the flesh. As I derive comfort from the fact that others have battled as I have, I remember God is with me. He has not forsaken me. Because of Him, I will persevere.

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us,
let us also lay aside every encumbrance
and the sin which so easily entangles us,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
fixing our eyes on Jesus,
the author and perfecter of faith,
who for the joy set before Him endured the cross,
despising the shame,
and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. "
Hebrews 12:1-2

"Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak
and the knees that are feeble,
and make straight paths for your feet,
so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint,
but rather be healed."
Hebrews 12:12-13

When Talking to Others...

There is nothing more sobering than speaking of Christ to others. As I stand there and try to give words of life that will rescue from the tortures of hell and escort them into eternal life, I become confused, afraid, angry. As the accusations pour forth from the mouth of ones so young, I am desperate for them. Question after question. Mockery after mockery. It is a sad and solemn thing to watch. But I remember...
I remember thinking they way they think. I remember trying so desperately to hang on to what is familiar to me and run from that which will condemn me. But as hard as they try, they know. They know within themselves that the words of God are true. They know the words of God are right. They know the words of God give life. But the wickedness of their hearts pulls desperately at them. It deceives them. It will not let them go.
In order to keep them from the words of life, the heart begins to throw out the most bizarre and insignificant. The heart doesn't want to know the way to God. The rabbit trails are flying forth. They are over here, then over there. I cannot keep them in one place long enough to adequately answer the question. Then I realize they do not want the answer.

I pause. I pray. Then I remind them that one day they will stand before a just God and give an account for the mockery that is pouring forth from their mouths on this day. I remind them there will be no place to hide. I remind them they will tremble.

A Day of Rest

If you have been a follower of this blog, you know I spend a great deal of time in despair and at war. It seems as though the battle between the Spirit and the flesh is never-ending. Some days it is quieter than others, but most days it SHOUTS! There has been very little rest for my soul.

To know my own thoughts and intentions is devastating. It tears me down and brings me to a place of loneliness. It makes the possible seem impossible. It steals the truth of God's word from me. It makes me blind. And when it is done with me, I will be like Christian in "Pilgrim's Progress" falling into the Slough of Despond sinking further under the weight of my sins and sense of guilt. I have visited this place often. It is a place where I feel abandoned. The mire is so thick I do not and cannot pull myself from it. I need to be rescued. I need a Savior.

This is a day like most days. Those around me can't see it because the wickedness is deep within. It's in the heart and mind. When I seek out help, others are confused by the intensity of the battle I describe because they see my life from the outside, not the inside. This too makes me feel alone. So I wait.

I wait on God to show me my sin. I wait on the Lord to grant me repentance. I've come to realize that God is not mocked. He has left me in a really dark place, even when I cry out for deliverance, because He knows I do not really want to leave. He knows I am trying to live with one foot in the world. He knows the idolatry that dwells within me. He knows.

He has always known. My heart and the idolatry that is buried deep within has never been hidden from Him. An idol that began years ago, but had been fed and nourished by me for so long, had now grown into a huge obstacle blinding me from the truth. It was consuming me and I wasn't even aware of its presence. Like a parasite. It was living inside of me, taking all the nourishment from me, and slowly killing me. Quietly killing me. But God...

But God graciously gave me sight. He has made my idol known to me. He has given me the strength and wisdom to be able to identify it, think rightly about it, repent of it, and to kill it. I have taken my foot out of the world. I have decided to live wholly for Christ.

I realize that this does not mean I will never have to kill this idol again. I realize this idol will probably show up tomorrow. But, now I know its name. Now I recognize it. It has been made known to me and I have agreed with God. Today I rejoice in the fact that God has turned my mourning into joy. He has taken something ugly within me and made it beautiful for His glory. He has given purpose to suffering and sadness. Today He has given me rest.

The Silence is So Loud

Some days are simply more lonely than others. The difficulties of life can come crashing in on you in a moment and before you even have a chance to pray despair is upon you. My days, weeks, months, and years seem to be marked with this very happening. I wake to a day that is bright with hope. I anticipate all that I will accomplish and look forward to a day of joy and happiness. But before I ever get started, the doorbell rings. It's too early for the delivery man and I'm not expecting anyone; so, this leaves only a few possibilities: a door to door salesman, a Jehovah's Witness, or something is wrong in the family. Of course it's the latter of them all. I listen as someone shares the sad events and I pray. I pray that I will know what to say. I pray that I will be able to stay in control of my emotions. I pray that God will somehow help me because I know that I am of no use to this situation. I know that without God there is no hope for anyone. I pray.

As I listen and try to offer up some degree of advice and comfort, I'm very aware of the fact that there is nothing I can do. I have been here before. The place has a familiar sadness to it. My heart begins to slip into despair. I pray for it not to happen. But it does any way. The words are just noise in my head. I don't really need to hear them because I've heard them before. One of the ones I love dearly is being consumed by sin. But this is not the area that angers me. This is exactly as it should be. One who does not follow God will have this life. The part that consumes me is that the only One who can offer any help remains silent, or so it seems to me.

I know that only God can grant a heart of repentance. I know that only God can save. I know that only God can take a heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh. But where is God?

After the guest leaves and I'm left with much loneliness and despair, I go to my husband. I share with him the words that I gave up as advice and hope. He tells me that I did fine, but my heart is not satisfied. My words are worthless and I know it. My words have accomplished nothing.

I decided to go about my day and leave it to the Lord. But the hours of busyness ahead of me do not free my mind. It's like shouting in my head. No matter what I do to distract myself or to put the memories of that morning out of my head, I cannot. I finally give in and end my day early and head for the comfort of my home and my husband. As I'm driving I decide to stop in on my morning guest. As I drive, I pray. Many verses come to me as a comfort and a hope. I am reminded of the faithfulness of God. I recall the power of His word. I confess my belief and beg for help in my unbelief. I'm feeling sure that God will be a help to me once I arrive. I'm scared and near to tears, but I am hopeful. I ask God to help me to not be afraid. I ask God to help me keep my tears under control. Then, I finally arrive and no one is home.

No one is home? I almost get discouraged at this point, but instead I think truthfully and I go on home and just believe another time will come. As I'm driving, I'm praying. I finally get home and go into Joel's office to let him know I am home. I then make myself something to eat and crawl into the comfort of my bed. Joel never comes. For two hours I sit in my room watching tv and eating my sandwich and he never comes. Despair starts creeping in. I fight it, but it is of no use.

I decide to go back out and try to visit with my guest once more. This seems far more profitable than sitting in a lonely room left to myself to deal with my sorrow and the thoughts that keep attacking me. I do not leave this to chance. I do not assume that the prayers of earlier are sufficient. I once again pray for strength. I once again am afraid.

When I arrive, no one is home. This time I decide to call and find out where everyone is. I had already spoken to them earlier and knew at that time they were home, but where were they now? I was told at that time that I was not welcome and the door would not be opened to me. I instantly became angry. It was as if anger had been crouching at my door just waiting for an opportunity to get in. I was angry and I was hurt. How can someone come into my home and dump a load of pain in my lap and then refuse to hear me out?

I decide to call for help. I call both of my pastors but they do not answer. I pray but it is silent. Once again, I am left alone. God says He will never leave me nor forsake me, but I feel forsaken.

I go back home, crawl into my bed and try to bury my thoughts in a game of freecell. Joel comes in and I share with him the anger I feel towards God. I assume it is God's way of showing me that I am not His and He does not hear me. I feel hopeless and the feelings of despair are overtaking me. I begin to weep. I cannot take this any longer. It seems as though it would be easier to walk away from God and all that the Bible says than to continually be left with myself in a state of despair in silence. Silence from my husband, silence from God.

Before the evening is over, Joel and I are in a disagreement and I am all alone.  He tells me my heart is full of hate.  Pinned to my bed with his fist in my face, I finally believe him.  I believe that I am the problem and that God could never hear me.  I have been left to myself. I know the end. Silence. Silence that is so loud that I cannot drown it out.

Why have you abandoned me God? Where is the comfort of Your words? Where is the help that you promise? Where is the husband that you have given me? Why have you taken so much from me and left me in despair. Why?

I am convinced that either my sin is so great and my heart is so resistant to repentance or I am not His. Either way, God help me!

Here I Am Once Again

Just about the time you start getting your hopes up that maybe you've finally, somehow, overcome that anger that you feel deep down inside, it shows up again. It doesn't take much. Just the slightest injustice seems to feel as though you have somehow been trampled underfoot as though your worth is zero. In your head you know that you have no right to feel as though you are deserving of anything, but your deceitful and wicked heart starts working immediately at deceiving you into thinking that someone out there somewhere appreciates you and even loves you. The thoughts start flying. You remember all the times that you have been put aside for something much less. You've been left to yourself and pushed away for a tv show, time on the computer, or even sleep. How can any one person tear any other person down so low? How can how someone feels about you be so devastating? What does it really matter? You know that you did not intentionally do anything wrong. You simply asked a question. But somehow, because the person didn't want to admit his true answer or even a weakness, it came back on you! Will it always be my fault? Will I always be to blame for all the hardship? Will God ever let me hear, "I'm so sorry!"

It's a small thing when I think rightly about it. I was a far greater enemy of God and trampled His Son underfoot with much more hate. God, please forgive me for not loving You the way that I should. Forgive me for not desiring to walk with you day after day and minute by minute. Forgive me for causing Your Son to suffer for my sins. Help me to understand that my sin causes more suffering than just with me.

A Long Time Companion Has Left Me

As I went about my day today, I realized it had been a while since my long time companion had paid me a visit. It's odd that it took me a few weeks to realize that he had even been gone. It's kind of like a toothache. You can't stop thinking about it when it does hurt; but, the minute it's gone, you don't think about it at all. Now your wondering how I can possibly compare my companion to a toothache. The truth of the matter is, this companion was far worse than any toothache I had ever had. This companion followed me around for years. I would beg him to leave, but he would not. I would pray that God would take him away from me, but God chose to leave him instead. I finally came to the point where I was convinced that he would be with me for the rest of my life. This companion was like a rottenness in my body. He made me miserable. He interfered with every other relationship that I had, especially my relationship with God. After a long day of dealing with him over and over and over again, I would not be in the mood to be with anyone else, let alone God. But a good friend of mine recently told me that this companion had to go. I knew it was true. You would think that I would just say goodbye and be on my way since he was such a terrible presence. But actually, I had gotten so used to him that he had become like an old teddy bear. You just don't know if you can survive without him. But today I noticed that he was not with me. It took me awhile to realize it, but once I did, it was good. This companion will not be missed.

Will It Ever Stop Hurting?

Sometimes a hurt comes along that is much greater than any you have ever felt before. A hurt that penetrates deep into your heart and stays there. You know that God wants you to not be encumbered by this event in your life. He wants you to depend on Him and rise above it. It is His joy to bring you to a place of forgiveness. But forgiveness is something that does not come easily and definitely does not come in my own strength. It is something I must rely on God for. His forgiveness must flow through me. I look at how much I have grieved God, how much I have sinned against Him. I think of all the times that I have shamed the Holy Spirit, how many times I have gone my own way. But God has forgiven me. He has forgiven me a much greater debt than the one that I need to forgive. I suppose that forgiveness doesn't mean that it will stop hurting. It doesn't mean that I will forget. It simply means that I will not act upon that hurt in an ungodly way. That I will treat the offender as though he has not offended. I will grant mercy as mercy has been granted to me. This is what I desire. This is what my heart knows to be right. But I find myself doing the very thing that I hate. I find myself allowing that hurt to rule over me. God, I pray that you will teach me how to forgive. Teach me how to do all that You would have me to do.

The Battle Continues

Here I am. Here I am in another battle. It's just shy of 5am and my mind is shouting at me. You would think that once one has given into the much needed sleep after the end of a weary day that the mind would sleep as well. But my mind is more like a two year old. You know what I'm talking about. The unruly two year old who is exhausted from the day but fights and kicks against giving in to rest. The body slumbers as the mind reels untruths at me. In the beginning I'm unaware of its attempts to make me angry, to remind me of all life's miseries, but eventually it is heard. As it gets louder and louder, the thoughts begin to intertwine into whatever dreams I'm having. Next thing you know I'm tossing and turning, not really aware what is going on, still living in the dream and not coming into the knowledge that I'm really awake and this is not a dream, it is my mind. Then all at once, it has finally fully awakened me. I pray! I ask God to please help me with the thoughts that are trying to discourage me. These thoughts that want to destroy my walk with God. I begin to think right things. I think of the truths that God has taught me. I remind myself that God's mercies are renewed each morning and it is morning. I remind myself that if I draw near to God, He will draw near to me. I tell myself that my circumstances are not what they seem. They are really God's loving hand in my life molding me, changing me, creating in me a new creation. They are God causing the old man to die. I cry out for peace. I beg God to stop the thoughts that continue to pelt me until finally I am worn down. Next thing I know, my thoughts are out of control. I am no longer thinking rightly, I'm no longer thinking of the things that God has proven to me. I'm no longer remembering that I am not a slave to sin, but a slave of righteousness. Then it happens. I'm serving the wrong master. I've lost the battle. I've become angry. Not because I've lost the battle, but angry at God because He allows this battle. It seems as though the only thing I've accomplished is adding yet another sin to a very long list of sins. God have mercy on me. I am weary. My soul needs rest. Forgive me!!

Forgetting Biblical Truth

One of the most challenging aspects of being a Christian is renewing the mind daily so that it does not forget that which is true. As a result, I am often, more often than not, an angry person. On a good day, it is easy for me to see God's hand in my life. I can see that He is working good from the circumstances that I either find myself in or put myself in. But the flesh does not give in easily. It battles for my mind. The old self does not want to die, it wants to live and it wants to live out loud. On a bad day, I can't see truth at all. My mind will tell me the most deceiving of things. Ex: "How could you possibly be saved, you have so much anger inside of you?" "Why would God save you?" "Just give up, you will never win this battle," and the list goes on. The problem with letting the mind rule over you is that its purpose is to take you to a place of despair and great sin. Reality is that God did save me. He saved me out of this sinful state and brought me into righteousness. Reality also is that my flesh will war against the spirit from this day forward until I'm with Jesus. It is good to know that my sin does not control, change, manipulate, or cause God to do anything other than that which He had already purposed to do. And one thing that God has purposed and promised to do is to "work all things to the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose." I am one of those who has been called, I'm a lover of God. Therefore, when my mind begins to forget the truth, I can be assured that God will intervene on my behalf. He will be faithful to me as His child. He will admonish me when I'm in sin, and He will encourage me when I'm in despair. "For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

The Journey of Many Places

From the very beginning, just three days after the birth of my first son, I saw to it that he was in church. I know he was not able to hear or to understand, but I wanted it to be familiar to him. I wanted him to realize there was never a time when he was not attending church. I did this with each of my four boys. As the years went by, it was a rare thing for any of us to miss a Sunday sermon or even a mid-week time of fellowship. Of course, as young boys, they loved going for all the fun reasons. They met their friends there. They enjoyed camps, "capture the flag", and numerous other activities that cater to the social life of the young.

When it came time to go to school, my husband was set on home schooling. This decision was not made so that they would achieve academic excellence but so that they would not be exposed to the evils of this world until able to handle it with the truth of God's word.
As the years moved on and life came our way, a sobering reality began to make itself known to me. None of these things would guarantee the salvation of my sons. It would not make them lovers of God.

Family & the Gospel

Tonight I found myself in familiar territory. I found myself among family, church family. It amazes me how this family can encourage, exhort, and edify without even knowing they are doing so. As I mingled throughout the night and engaged in numerous conversations, I noticed that each one took me to a place that I needed to go, to the gospel. Daily I must remind myself of certain truths. I must remind myself that I am a sinner and that left to myself I am without hope. But God, willingly and lovingly gave His Son, Jesus, on my behalf so that I might be saved from this hopeless and damned state. I must also remember that there is nothing in me that is deserving of this love nor is there anything in me that would choose this love for myself. I was perfectly content to live and endulge in this fallen condition. But God would have none of that, for He had chosen me. Before the foundation of the world, God determined that I would be His and as a result He has given me the Spirit of God. Now I can walk in newness of life. I can have hope where there is none and I can have peace with God. Thank you God!! Thank you Jesus!!

Why Am I So Discouraged?

I thought today would be a new day. I thought that finally I had been heard and understood. But as the day went on I began to realize I was still in the same place I was yesterday. Will this never end? "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?" (Ps 42:5) I cannot remain in this place. I must finish reading.... "Put your hope in God!"